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🎬 I'm NOT your casual movie reviewer!

I don't do plot overviews or safe, spoiler-free summaries. For that stuff, there's Wikipedia.

What I DO: I share my raw, unfiltered experience and thoughts on movies and TV shows. That means MAJOR SPOILERS could hit you in the very first line of any review.

I talk about films the way you'd chat with a friend who's already seen them. No dancing around plot points. No vague hints. Just honest, spoiler-filled conversation.

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Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017)

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets (2017) movie poster featuring Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne

Director: Luc Besson
Producers: Virginie Besson-Silla
Screenplay: Luc Besson

Starring:
Dane DeHaan as Valerian
Cara Delevingne as Laureline
Clive Owen as Commander ArΓΌn Filitt
Rihanna as Bubble
Ethan Hawke as Jolly the Pimp
Herbie Hancock as Defence Minister
Kris Wu as Sergeant Neza

Music: Alexandre Desplat
Cinematography: Thierry Arbogast
Editing: Julien Rey
Release Date: July 21, 2017 (USA)
Running Time: 137 minutes
Language: English
 Freddy's Movie Review
***SPOILER ALERT***

Overloaded and Underwhelming


And we’re back in the shit! I’m starting to get in a hurry to finish Luc Besson’s movies. "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" is boring, boring, boring, because there are too many aliens, too many gadgets, too many costumes, too much imagination! I reached a point of exhaustion one hour into the movie. The universe is kind of stupid. For example, how can such a primitive tribal culture be part of the great city of a thousand boring things? Why would there be a diplomatic problem with them? So stupid.


Lackluster Leads and Annoying Performances


Now to the main issue: the actors. What an uncharismatic couple we have here! Especially the guy who sounds like a younger, weaker, uglier, and skinnier Keanu Reeves. The kid doesn’t have any charisma and is just damn annoying. This seems like a fad today with male action heroes—I’m thinking Tom Holland, that guy from Dune. They just look like total skinny ****. Sorry for being harsh, but I bet his mamma would rebuke everything I’ve just said. And then you get Rihanna, who I detest as well. I can only think about umbrellas when I hear her name. The only good actor with something interesting to say is Ethan Hawke, but unfortunately, he's a minor character. The movie hasn’t ended and I’m already writing my review on my phone because I just don’t care about what’s going to happen. It’s just too predictable.


Visuals Can't Save the Snooze Fest


The graphics are good to look at, but as a gamer, nothing in this movie can impress me when I’ve already been immersed in beautifully alien worlds. I just paused to come back to the Major’s explanation for his attack on Mui... The economy and sanctions! Total shit story. Get a writer Luc!!! The music is just average orchestral music, boring as the pictures. The pace is not as bad as in Arthur and AdΓ¨le Blanc-"Que Saco", but still feels off. Here I am writing this review and the movie on my TV isn’t over yet... What a long boring mess. Now they’re just shooting at each other... Again. Probably if you are 10 and never seen a sci-fi action/adventure movie, this will be a good watch. But why do that when you can just watch Firefly series and end with the beautiful movie Serenity!


πŸŽ₯ Cinematography (3/10):

Visually stunning, but overloaded with too much detail.

πŸ“– Story (1/10):

Unoriginal and predictable, with a nonsensical universe and plot.

🎬 Direction (2/10):

Exhausting and over the top.

πŸ‘₯ Characters (1/10):

Uncharismatic leads, with only minor characters providing any interest.

πŸ’₯ Visual Effects (5/10):

Impressive graphics, but nothing groundbreaking for gamers or seasoned sci-fi fans.

🎭 Acting (2/10):

Weak performances, especially from the leads, with only Ethan Hawke standing out.

πŸ’¬ Dialogue (1/10):

Mediocre and uninspiring, and I can't believe Laureline says the word "Bingo!"

🌍 Setting/Atmosphere (2/10):

Overly detailed and exhausting, failing to create an immersive experience.

🎡 Music (3/10):

Average orchestral score, and "Major Tom" again!

πŸ˜„ Entertainment Value (1/10):

Might entertain a young audience, but overall, it's a long, boring experience.

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